


Laundry Day

by AOrange



Series: Fruity Rumpus Afterlife Road Trip [9]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, can be read independently of series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOrange/pseuds/AOrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kanaya and Rose force Dave and Karkat to finally get of their asses and do some laundry, because teenage boys are exactly the same on Alternia as they are on Earth. Somewhere between Terezi tagging along, the Mayor swiping Mt. Dave's Dirty Underwear off a table, and Kanaya taking serious offense to Dave calling her mom, some laundry was probably done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Laundry Day

DAVE: no  
DAVE: hell no  
DAVE: hell to the fuckin no just straight up nope   
DAVE: no no  
DAVE: shit is so not dope   
DAVE: but im at the end of my rope  
DAVE: its not my rope but tzs  
DAVE: bitch be hella fucking crazy  
DAVE: look this shit is weak but you get the point dont you   
DAVE: tell me you get the point

Yeah, you don't really blame Rose for tuning you out at the point where mere reluctance had turned into you rapping at her. It was a piss poor effort anyway and even you're marginally offended by just how shitty the whole thing was. You're not really feeling it but you don't think that the concept was terrible as much as the execution. It was definitely a shitty execution. Good concept, though, you definitely think you'll run with it and see what happens. Not bad for someone who's only been awake for six minutes, thirty nine seconds though, not really. 

ROSE: No, I don't think you understand.  
ROSE: Kanaya and I have been doing your laundry for months! And honestly, we're a little sick of it.   
KANAYA: Um If I May Interrupt Momentarily   
ROSE: I find it a challenge to believe that for one, you don't realise just how badly you smell right about now. I mean it's more than a little off-putting.   
KANAYA: Rose You Seem To Be Taking This To An Extreme   
ROSE: How is it that you can never seem to work the washing machine correctly? It's a simple piece of equipment.   
KANAYA: I Have Been Doing Your Laundry In Addition To My Own   
ROSE: You're disgusting! The pair of you are what, almost closer to seven sweeps than six?   
KANAYA: No They Are Still Closer To Six   
ROSE: Thank you, Kanaya. Even so, you're old enough to keep up with the demands of pressing a single button to start the cycle.

It's not until Rose mentions it that you realise Karkat is sitting over on the armchair, head in his hands and bored out of his fucking alien skull. Unlucky break for him, not being able to escape the girls fast enough to get himself out of this bullshit. You give him a nod of acknowledgment and he gives you the middle finger in return. Best fuckin' bros right there. 

DAVE: sounds like you need to do your own god damn laundry rose   
ROSE: Shut up, Dave. The pair of you have fifteen minutes to collect your dirty clothes and meet us in the laundry block and no, before you ask, there is no way you can get out of this.   
TEREZI: TH3Y DONT SM3LL TH4T B4D   
ROSE: We forced them into the ablution chamber yesterday.   
KANAYA: And I Thought That We Were Going To Stop Treating Them Like Wigglers In Order To Facilitate Their Personal Growth   
ROSE: Oh. No, perhaps we just agreed that you were going to stop babying Karkat.   
KANAYA: Really  
KANAYA: You Said Dave Was His Matesprits Problem Now   
TEREZI: 1 DONT S33 4 PROBL3M   
DAVE: dont say it dont say it   
KARKAT: OH FUCK SHE'S GOING TO SAY IT. SOMEONE KEEP HER QUIET UNTIL I'VE HAD THE CHANCE TO CUT OUT MY OWN AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS.   
DAVE: what are they   
KARKAT: THE THINGS ON THE SIDE OF YOUR HEAD.   
DAVE: dude pulling a van gough wont save you from this shit  
DAVE: run  
DAVE: run and dont look back   
KARKAT: WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING?   
DAVE: because i fell asleep here in what kanaya likes to call my Undergarments and theres fuckin ladies present bro   
KARKAT: SO JUST WISH YOUR GOD PJS BACK ONTO YOUR BODY.   
DAVE: huh yeah i could do that   
TEREZI: 1 SUR3 C4N SM3LL 1T THOUGH!

She laughs at the collective groan from everyone else and you roll your eyes along with them. You're going to high five her later. She kind of earned it, considering all the bullshit you and Karkat were throwing around. She's got the patience to hold out on the joke and even when it's not funny anymore she'll deliver the punchline. That's dedication to your craft right there. 

ROSE: Fifteen minutes!   
KANAYA: I Am Supposed To Also Threaten You With The Previously Mentioned Timeframe  
KANAYA: And Give An Additional Clause Which States That Neither Of Us Will Be Cooking For You For A Week If You Do Not Arrive Within The Timeframe   
DAVE: sure thing mom  
DAVE: wouldnt want you to send us to bed without dinner  
DAVE: fuck theres a punishment worse than death  
DAVE: starve to death in my space bedroom   
KANAYA: Did You Just   
DAVE: what   
KANAYA: Nothing   
ROSE: You're down to thirteen minutes, just so you know.

You watch as she grabs ahold of Kanaya's wrist and drags her out of the room, the tips of her ears flushed slightly pink. You don't know why since it's always cold as balls in this heap of shit. 

Karkat finally drops his hands from his face and stands up. When he does you hear his back crack in like three places and it's loud enough that you just stare at him, slightly curious, not that you'd ever say. Bro was the fucking knuckle-popping champ of downtown Houston, but even that sound had nothing on the casual realignment of troll vertebrae. 

KARKAT: WHAT?   
DAVE: kanaya got to you too huh   
KARKAT: SHE GOT HER LIPSTICK OUT.   
DAVE: sweet move maryam   
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST DO WHAT THEY SAY. WE CAN'T LIVE ON FUCKING DORITOS FOR A WEEK.   
DAVE: is that a challenge   
KARKAT: NO.   
DAVE: it sounded like a challenge   
KARKAT: IT WASN'T A FUCKING CHALLENGE YOU NOOKWHIFFING WASTE OF SPACE.   
DAVE: okay fine you twisted my arm  
DAVE: challenge accepted   
KARKAT: WHEN WE ARRIVE IN THE NEW SESSION I'M GOING TO KILL YOU SO YOU'RE DEAD AS A FUCKING CARPENTRY AID THEN THROW YOU OFF THE BACK END OF THE METEOR TO DISTRACT THE BARKBEASTS WHILE THE REST OF US ESCAPE WITH OUR SHITTY EXCUSES FOR LIVES.   
DAVE: thats cold bro   
KARKAT: CAN WE JUST GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH?   
TEREZI: C4N 1 COM3 TOO?   
KARKAT: NO.   
DAVE: dont lick anything   
TEREZI: YOU BOTH SUCK.

You and Terezi meet up with Karkat eight minutes forty six seconds after leaving the common room. You're hauling two bags of laundry that you found on the floor of your room and he's got about the same, probably more, crammed into a single bag. You figure that it's only because of the god pjs that you're going through less clothes than him. He's always wearing the same thing though and you're sure he's just been cloning clean copies, kind of like what you do when you're down to one or two pairs of clean underwear. Do trolls wear underwear? You've never asked. You discovered the girls wear something up top after the incident with Kanaya's bra a few months earlier, and you've felt Terezi's under her shirt, but you've never asked about anything else. 

Probably because, when you think about it for more than two seconds, you don't really want to know the answer. 

KARKAT: DON'T SAY ANYTHING.   
DAVE: i was just going to say sup   
DAVE: but now that i know youre offended by greetings i wont ever say sup again   
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE TODAY.   
DAVE: ive said like nothing offensive today man just chill   
TEREZI: WH4TS GOT YOU 4LL WORK3D UP 4NYW4Y, K4RKL3S?   
KARKAT: NOTHING.   
DAVE: are you actually pissed that we might be late and the flighty broads wont make dinner at all   
KARKAT: NO.   
DAVE: seriously cereal for dinner for a week isnt a big deal   
KARKAT: MAYBE NOT FOR YOU BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE A WEEK OF HUMAN BREAKFAST GRAINS.   
TEREZI: 1 C4N COOK   
DAVE: no you cant   
TEREZI: OK4Y M4YB3 NOT BUT 1 4M 3NTHUS14ST1C WH3N 1 TRY   
DAVE: that didnt even count as trying  
DAVE: you went out of your fuckin way to make something inedible   
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T R3QU1R3D 4 LOT MOR3 3FFORT TH4N YOU 4PPR3C14T3   
DAVE: please dont cook again   
TEREZI: 1T W4SNT TH4T B4D  
TEREZI: STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B1TCH 4BOUT 1T   
DAVE: i spent three hours hurling   
TEREZI: 1T W4SNT THR33 34RTH HOURS   
DAVE: how long is an hour tz tell me that  
DAVE: how long is an earth hour   
TEREZI: D4MN 1 KNOW TH1S   
DAVE: case fuckin closed   
KARKAT: OKAY WE GET IT, YOU TWO ARE CLEARLY INSANE. CAN WE JUST PLEASE MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ORDEAL ALIVE?  
KARKAT: COMMUNAL LAUNDRY, WHAT COMPLETE HORSESHIT.   
DAVE: you okay there   
DAVE: did a washing machine kill your father  
DAVE: fuck thats what happened isnt it  
DAVE: man i really put my foot in it this time  
DAVE: fucked up bad  
DAVE: oh my god   
KARKAT: OH MY GOD SHUT UP.   
TEREZI: HOW 4BOUT YOU SHUT UP K4RK4T?   
DAVE: no guys shut the fuck up  
DAVE: oh man even the mayor is here  
DAVE: shit just got real

You're rambling now and you know it but fuck, if the mayor's involved in something it usually turns out alright, or at least more hilarious. Even doing laundry's got to be bearable with the guy around.

DAVE: hey mayor do you need to wash your mayoral robes or something  
DAVE: rosie is the mayor here to do laundry too  
DAVE: can town deserves the best man  
DAVE: what kinda town is run by a mayor who hasnt washed his robes in a month  
DAVE: hahaha cmon man dont leave me hanging

The Mayor, ever so slightly perplexed as always by your incessant drivel, reaches out his own tiny fist and bumps his shelled knuckles against your own. Terezi unceremoniously dumps the bag she was carrying down beside the first, which you had thrown down with an equal disinterest. You are sure that is the appropriate emotion to feel towards two bags filled with a two month backlog of underwear and t-shirts. She gives the Mayor a second fist bump and the guy looks like Christmas has come early; he doesn't care what's happening, all he knows is everyone is hanging out together and no one is bleeding. It's a good day when no one is bleeding. 

You are very much of the opinion that most days when you don't wake up dead are good days. 

ROSE: Oh for - no, never mind. Karkat first, I suppose.  
DAVE: why him first  
ROSE: Because I like him more than I like you and I want him to be free of this burden earlier.  
KARKAT: SUCK IT.  
ROSE: I was lying.  
KARKAT: WELL FUCK YOU TOO, LALONDE. I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT.   
ROSE: No, we were not having a moment. Now hurry up and toss in as much as the machine can hold.

Karkat groans but the threat of having to cook for himself all week seems to outweigh the fact he's been dragged here unwillingly. You watch for a while as he fusses over every detail, complaining that he knows perfectly well how to use a fabric cleansing machine, asking what kind of soap they even alchemised, what were they thinking alchemising that kind it's going to itch isn't it, and then even Terezi is rolling her eyes at him. 

KANAYA: Karkat You Are Making A Very Big Deal Out Of Something Very Small  
KARKAT: YOU DRAGGED ME OUT OF MY RESPITEBLOCK BY THE HAIR. OF COURSE I'M MAKING A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT THIS.  
ROSE: What, you had a busy afternoon planned? I am sorry for interrupting what would have undoubtedly been the single most important day we spend on this meteor.   
KARKAT: CAN YOU STOP WITH YOUR SHITTY HUMAN SARCASM FOR LONG ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE THAT I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE HERE?  
KANAYA: Are You Disturbed By The Fact That Everyone May Have Seen Your Undergarments?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD NO. FUCK, THEY'RE JUST FABRIC. WHY IS THAT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR HUMANS BUT IF WE CAN USE STRIDER AS AN EXAMPLE, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHAME OVER UNDERGARMENTS ON EARTH EITHER.  
ROSE: No, he just has no shame in general.  
DAVE: hey unfair  
ROSE: You came to breakfast two days ago in your underwear and a pair of socks.  
DAVE: my feet were cold big deal  
ROSE: The Strider method of child rearing was not usual for humans. Dave has been blessed with the rare ability to simultaneously act like both a complete douchebag and an ignorant fool and to give no fucks about either.  
DAVE: its a talent  
TEREZI: OH MY GOG WH4T SM3LLS SO B4D?  
TEREZI: 1TS K1ND OF L1K3 F33T 4ND SOM3TH1NG 3LS3  
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH4T?  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: youre smelling karkat  
TEREZI: TH4T W4S 4 V3RY P4TH3T1C JOK3  
TEREZI: 1 KNOW WH4T K4RK4T SM3LLS L1K3 4ND TH4TS NOT K4RK4T

You have got to distract her before she realises the smell is coming from your bags. 

DAVE: hey tz   
TEREZI: WH4T?

You kiss her. It's not much, it's certainly not a sloppy interspecies makeout-tier kiss, but it does the job. And fuck, of course everyone is staring, because you're almost certain that's the first time they've been witness to that kind of thing, since you're not a fan of even holding hands out in the common room. 

Then, to get everyone off your back, you make a ridiculous show of giving her an epic high five - shitty secret handshake included. They roll their eyes and go back to whatever it was they were doing because no one wants to watch you and Terezi when you're doing shitty secret handshakes. They're not even that secret, you'd teach anyone if they asked and were willing to admit that you are definitely the king of shitty secret handshakes. You get the feeling everyone knows that, and its the reason your handshakes are still secrets only known to you, Terezi, and the Mayor. 

DAVE: ahaha hey mayor what are you doing down there man   
WV: :)   
DAVE: ahaha yeah i hear you bro  
DAVE: wait no what are you doing  
DAVE: did you just fold all my laundry  
DAVE: ahahah man youre the best   
WV: :)   
DAVE: oh shit bro i dont want to tell you this shit but they need to be washed first   
DAVE: like you just made mount daves used underwear   
WV: :(   
DAVE: ahaha dont look at me like that man it aint really a big deal well just throw em in the machine when karkats shit is done  
DAVE: you really just like building shit dont you  
DAVE: oh shit hey rose  
DAVE: rose rose rosie rose hey   
ROSE: What?   
DAVE: next time you go on an alchemising binge can you try to alchemise some fucking legos or something  
DAVE: thatd be sweet  
DAVE: youll love legos man  
DAVE: dont you think hell love legos   
TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 L3GOS?  
TEREZI: 4R3 TH3Y D3L1C1OUS?   
DAVE: uh i guess if youre like six or something  
DAVE: kids always like eat them or shove them up their noses and shit   
TEREZI: 1 4M S1X   
DAVE: years not sweeps   
TEREZI: OH Y34H  
TEREZI: HOW M4NY Y34RS OLD 4M 1?   
DAVE: shit i dunno  
DAVE: hey moms how old is tz  
DAVE: like in earth years  
DAVE: we already figured out the sweeps part   
KANAYA: Approximately The Same Age As The Rest Of Us Which Is Approximately The Same Age As You Depending On Which Equivalent Human Month She Was Hatched In   
DAVE: okay now translate that from rose english to dave english   
ROSE: What Kanaya basically said is that it is somewhat difficult to transfer troll sweeps into exact human years. There's a lot of variation especially when we take into account events such as leap years and lunar calendars as well, and -   
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, SHE'S FOURTEEN. WE WORKED THIS OUT PERIGEES AGO. EVERY SINGLE CREATURE IN THIS BLOCK IS FOURTEEN, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE MAYOR WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE HUNDREDS OF SWEEPS OLD BECAUSE WE JUST DON'T KNOW.   
WV: :)   
KARKAT: OR HE COULD ACTUALLY BE SIX EARTH YEARS OLD.   
WV: :(   
DAVE: shit man you made him do the face dont upset the mayor man he just folded my laundry  
DAVE: btw dude you should probably wash your hands before you eat anything   
WV: :(   
DAVE: hey sorry but that shits been like on my ass then on the floor for like a month i dunno  
DAVE: but yeah definitely wash your hands  
DAVE: maybe with fire  
DAVE: whatever you think is going to kill that space bacteria   
WV: :(

It's hard to keep a straight face around the Mayor at the best of times. The guy never really says anything but he makes up for it with hilarious as shit antics. You've seen him build up a tower in Can Town just to take it down again to rearrange one or two of the supporting cylinders. One time you cooked dinner for everyone and he stood up from the table, walked back to the kitchen, and threw the plate into the sink to express his disgust. Karkat had almost fallen off his chair laughing at that one, the asshole. Most of the time, though, the Mayor is kind of like the dog Bro never let you have - which, in retrospect, was probably a good move. He's just happy to be around people, does his own thing, and is pretty fucking dependable as far as people go on this space rock journey to the centre of paradox space. 

Now he's standing beside the pile of your neatly folded but still foul-stenched socks and shirts and he's staring at you with his admittedly somewhat creepy little eyes. You raise an eyebrow, a wordless question, but he only raises one of his little hands in return. Quick as a flash, the nubby claws are outstretched beside the clothes and before you can ask what the big deal is, he swipes his arm across the table and sends your underwear flying to the floor. 

DAVE: hey!

Terezi is cackling somewhere beside you and you're sure that even fucking Kanaya is laughing at you for this one. Somehow you've managed to piss off the only creature in existence that so far no one believed was able to get pissed off. Fucking typical.

DAVE: hey man seriously whatd i do  
DAVE: okay so i left that shit to kick up one hell of a stink for like three months but whatever  
DAVE: i couldve told you not to touch it  
DAVE: like sorry and shit but wow   
DAVE: the smell alone should have told you that shit is not safe to touch right now  
DAVE: mayor  
DAVE: mayor are you okay  
DAVE: oh shit  
DAVE: i think hes broken  
DAVE: did i break the mayor  
DAVE: guys   
WV: :)   
DAVE: you sneaky little fuck  
DAVE: give me a fuckin heart attack next time  
DAVE: hahaha nice one man  
DAVE: dont leave me hanging now

He bumps his fist against yours again, the grin restored. You're not sure if you're entirely comfortable with the fact that you've somehow got the Mayor, of all people, acting like an asshole to shut you up, but fuck if it wasn't hilarious. 

DAVE: do i have to pick that up   
WV: :)   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN WATCHING HERE?   
DAVE: bro this is the most beautiful fuckin bromance and you are just jealous as fuck  
DAVE: because we are never going to be as close as this   
KARKAT: SO THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELING IS. YOU KNOW, THE ONE FUCK DEEP IN MY CHEST CAVITY SOMEWHERE IN THE REGION OF MY SPITE FILLED BLOODPUSHER. GOD, IT'S NICE TO FINALLY KNOW THAT IT'S JEALOUSY AND NOT PUMP BISCUIT FAILURE. THAT IS A LOAD AND A FUCKING HALF OFF MY BACK.   
DAVE: man you never told you you felt that way  
DAVE: its the kinda thing you need to preface with a no homo though   
KARKAT: OF COURSE, HOW COULD I FORGET THE NO FUCKING HOMO. IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE YOU FUCKBACKWARDS SHITSTAIN SO NO I WILL NOT PREFACE MY ADMITTEDLY LONG WINDED FALSE METAPHORS WITH THAT KIND OF ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.   
ROSE: Karkat?   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW, LALONDE? CAN'T YOU SEE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION HERE? NOT THAT IT CAN REALLY BE CALLED A CONVERSATION AND NOT THAT I'M NOT ACTUALLY GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO FUCKING FORGET THIS SHIT IS EVEN HAPPENING, BUT WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS SO IMPORTANT?   
ROSE: Your laundry is done.   
KARKAT: OH. THANKS.   
DAVE: (so whats up his ass today)   
TEREZI: (1 h4v3 no 1d34)   
DAVE: (maybe he watched one of his shitty movies last night and it didnt end the way he wanted it to)  
DAVE: (hed bitch about that for days)   
TEREZI: (h3h3h3h3)   
KANAYA: What Are You Two Up To Now  
KANAYA: I Dont Particularly Feel Like Wiggler Sitting For An Extended Period   
DAVE: nothing   
TEREZI: NOTH1NG   
KANAYA: That Is Most Definitely Reassuring To Hear From The Both Of You  
KANAYA: Nothing Suspicious At All   
DAVE: nope nothing suspicious here  
DAVE: so whats up maryam   
KANAYA: Now Is Probably The Time To Pick Up Your Undergarments From The Floor And Put Them In The Clothing Cleansing Machine   
DAVE: yeah sure thing   
KANAYA: Okay Now I Am Extremely Suspicious Of Your Actions Dave   
DAVE: why

You don't look up at her as you're scooping armfuls of dirty laundry from the floor. Terezi sniggers beside you and you quickly flip her off with your free hand, which only causes her to start laughing loudly enough that it echos from the walls and gets the attention of everyone else in the room. Great, now they're watching every move you make and you've got a faceful of stale body odour and you're suddenly aware that no fucking shit Terezi could smell it as soon as the Mayor had opened your bags. It's funny how you've never really noticed it before. 

You figure it's probably because while Rose grew up in a house filled with the comforting scent of expensive perfume and vodka, your own apartment never smelt of anything other than feet. Well, not feet. Sweat. That's no better. Ass? That's even worse. Manly. Your apartment smelt manly. No, fuck that, it definitely smelt like ass. 

No wonder you never had friends over. Well, that and the swords. And knives. And fireworks. And puppets. And you guess mainly because of that time Bro showed up for a parent-teacher conference wearing one of his own merch shirts and every parent there had realised what he did for a living. Yeah, it was probably that. How was he supposed to know not to wear it, anyway? You were only in the second grade at the time. 

You cram as much into the machine as you can and yeah, if you flatten it out a bit everything seems to fit into one load. Fan-fucking-tastic, you weren't planning on splitting it into two loads. Rose is hovering by your shoulder to make sure you don't break anything so you go through the motions of trying to press all the wrong buttons, forgetting to add washing powder, cranking the dial to use the hottest water it can, and eventually she just nudges you to the side with her hip and does it for you. Mission fucking accomplished. 

KANAYA: Rose   
ROSE: What?   
KANAYA: Dont Do It For Him   
ROSE: Did I just see you explaining the drying apparatus to Karkat?   
KANAYA: No  
KANAYA: I Was Simply Indicating That His Sweaters May Not Survive A Full Cycle On Hot Air And That He Really Should Reconsider And Remove Them   
DAVE: no please stop i cant cope when you fight  
DAVE: my grades are suffering  
DAVE: im getting in fights just to feel something  
DAVE: please stop   
KANAYA: What Is He Talking About Now   
ROSE: He's continuing on with the joke that we are acting like parental figures. Dave never did have a meddling mother in his life and I'm almost certain his brother never brought any girlfriends to stay, so he's making up for lost time. Just ignore him and do not encourage the behaviour.   
KANAYA: I Can Somewhat Understand That He Is Taking You For Granted As Human Children Seem To Do With Their Lusii But I Am Rather Sure I Do Not Factor Into This Equation   
DAVE: oh my god mom are you leaving us  
DAVE: shit i went too far didnt i  
DAVE: the school called didnt they   
DAVE: they told you what i did today and im hella sorry but timmy was asking for it  
DAVE: i didnt mean to actually blind him   
DAVE: just like you didnt mean to break my fucking heart  
DAVE: no mom no where are you going come back stop think of the kids no mom no

You're calling out after Kanaya as she turns her back on you. Terezi is cackling madly, doubled over on the floor and clutching her stomach next to the Mayor who, while not quite as amused, is grinning along with her. Karkat's just got this dumbfounded look on his face and yeah, the whole absent parent line probably doesn't make much sense to him but it was comedy gold and you weren't going to pass on that opportunity.

Rose has an arm tucked around Kanaya's waist and you can't hear what they're saying but you know it's about you. 

DAVE: have you made up

Your sister raises her hand from the troll's hip just enough to flip you the bird, and carefully returns it without Kanaya even noticing it was gone. 

DAVE: do you hate me now kanmom

Rose glowers at you. 

DAVE: aw shit now momlonde is pissed too

You give Terezi a thumbs up, a gesture which she returns. 

DAVE: oh fuck the dryer is making a shitty noise  
DAVE: moms  
DAVE: help   
KANAYA: Dave   
DAVE: sup kanmom   
KANAYA: Kindly Do Me A Favour And Shut Your Fucking Windhole   
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: well fuck me she said fuck   
KARKAT: IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO REMIND YOU THAT KANAYA HOLDS THE RECORD FOR THE MOST CHAINSAW RELATED MURDERS IN THE MEDIUM?   
DAVE: yeah that would have been nice like ten minutes ago man   
KANAYA: If You Are Going To Persist With This Ridiculous Game Then I Am Banning You From Speaking To Anyone For Two Wake Cycles From The Moment We Are Finished In The Laundry Block   
DAVE: seriously   
KANAYA: Dead Serious   
DAVE: so im not allowed to talk to anyone for two days   
KANAYA: Correct   
DAVE: or youll kill me   
KANAYA: Yes   
DAVE: so should i just hang out in my room or   
KANAYA: Yes I Would Assume Isolating Yourself Like That Would Prevent You From Being Dismembered   
DAVE: so what youre basically saying here is that youre sending me to my room   
KANAYA: I Suppose I Am   
DAVE: can you like make me something to eat first   
KANAYA: What No Why Would I Do That   
DAVE: omfg so youre sending me to my room without dinner  
DAVE: youre not my favourite anymore   
KANAYA: What Was I Ever Your Favourite   
DAVE: man you are now have i ever told you youre hilarious  
DAVE: that was fuckin beautiful  
DAVE: oh fuck i cant breathe

At some point you've slipped down to the floor beside Terezi and the Mayor and you don't remember when but here you are, lying on the floor staring up at Kanaya's look of complete disapproval. It's the look, you think, that's set you off. She doesn't even know what you're on about and while she's usually fairly tolerant of even your most inane bullshit, something about what you're doing here has ticked her right off.

You stupidly decide to push your luck further. 

DAVE: your hair looks nice today  
DAVE: have i ever told you that  
DAVE: makes your horns look  
DAVE: pointy i guess  
DAVE: thats a good thing right  
DAVE: pointy horns   
TEREZI: YOU GOT 4 PROBL3M W1TH PO1NTY HORNS OR SOM3TH1NG   
DAVE: dont kanayas horns look especially sharp today  
DAVE: sharp like her wit   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO ACHIEVE HERE, STRIDER?   
DAVE: honestly not being chainsawed to death would be fuckin sweet  
DAVE: and i think itd upset the mayor  
DAVE: how about i just leave like now or something  
DAVE: can i do that   
KANAYA: After You Finish Your Laundry Then Yes You Can Leave   
DAVE: omg   
ROSE: Don't say it, Dave.   
DAVE: why not its not like its a bad thing  
DAVE: seriously  
DAVE: like if we make it out of this game alive and we all get thrown into a new world or whatever  
DAVE: and when were all like thirty five or some shit  
DAVE: shes gonna have the best fucking kids  
DAVE: shes what fourteen like didnt we establish earlier were all actually like the same age  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: shes like fourteen and shes got all this mom stuff like fucking perfect already  
DAVE: like im not even fucking around anymore  
DAVE: the only reason its hilarious is because shes her and youre actually my sister  
DAVE: like fucked up family shit but who even cares   
KARKAT: WAIT, SO THIS ENTIRE CHARADE HAS ALL BEEN JUST ANOTHER LONG WINDED JOKE THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY A JOKE AT ALL AND HAS ACTUALLY BEEN SOME FUCKED UP ASSBACKWARDS COMPLIMENT?   
DAVE: something like that  
DAVE: im not saying its not hilarious   
DAVE: but they both said before they were going to stop doing this shit for us  
DAVE: but kanaya took your sweaters out when you werent looking  
DAVE: rosie just fucking did everything for me  
DAVE: they both kinda fucked up because they cant stop meddling  
DAVE: like seriously were doing laundry and theyre meddling   
ROSE: When was the last time you washed anything of your own accord?   
DAVE: …  
DAVE: do you actually want the answer to that   
ROSE: No, I don't think I do.   
DAVE: two months a week three days eighteen hours forty six seconds  
DAVE: since i last had a shower without you telling me to  
DAVE: not counting the times ive been covered in blood   
TEREZI: OR TH4T T1M3 YOU DR4NK SO MUCH SOD4 YOU THR3W UP OR4NG3 3V3RYWH3R3   
DAVE: ahahah yeah that too  
DAVE: did i win that bet   
TEREZI: NO B3C4US3 YOU D1DNT K33P 1T DOWN FOR F1V3 M1NUT3S   
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: look can we just finish this laundry  
DAVE: the mayor looks so excited  
DAVE: cmon wow laundry  
DAVE: just look at all the fun were all having right here see no ones dead or bleeding  
DAVE: what a good morning

\-----

DAVE: see the thing is tz

It's been three days since Laundry Day and you have to admit that yes, it is fucking sweet to have a two month stash of clean underwear so you don't have to go around hoping the ones from the bottom of the pile have had enough time to air out on the floor. Even you have to admit that was probably a dubious plan of action. 

The two of you are kicking back in your very own fort sweet fort, now extended to accommodate occasional visitors. It is most definitely the best fucking fort you've ever constructed and it's hella spacious and comfortable what with the pillow floor and all, but the best part is it's doing its job perfectly. Forts are meant to keep the bad guys out and you've been safely holed up inside almost 24/7 since you left the laundry room. 

Terezi reaches for her own husktop and sets it up on her knees because she knows this is going to be another long story and hey, you tell her, you're kind of offended by the notion that she'd assume you were going to go off on a tangent before getting to the point. She laughs and laughs and pats the empty space beside her so you shift over there instead and go on with your story. She's got the next page of your new screenplay up on her machine and you're pretty keen to work on it since the last monster movie you'd made together had been such a success. 

DAVE: the thing about human moms is  
DAVE: the best ones are sweet as fuck one minute all doting and cookies and interested in your day  
DAVE: but the second you step out of line theyll do whatever it takes to reel you back in  
DAVE: and the chainsaw threat  
DAVE: gotta say  
DAVE: that was pretty effective   
TEREZI: OH MY GOG D1D YOU JUST 4DM1T TH4T YOUR3 4CT1NG L1K3 4 W1GGL3R 4BOUT 4LL TH1S?  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4T K4N4Y4 1S L1K3 4 F3M4L3 HUM4N LUSUS?   
DAVE: shes got a fuckin chainsaw tz   
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3   
DAVE: okay okay just load up the shit we wrote yesterday and lets get this fucking party started


End file.
